There is a certain beauty to 4 AM. The world isn’t up, there are no noises breaking the silence, it is not dark enough for fatigue but not bright enough for complete rationality either. It is usually that time between sleep and wakefulness where everything is magical and romantic and really, anything seems possible.

I was typing away furiously but paused for a little while, to reflect, to let my thoughts run without censorship for a bit. The memory of your arms around me as the moonlight poured in that night was what stuck with me. You look so peaceful when you’re asleep, one minute you’re awake and the next you’re actually deeply asleep. I think I woke up quite a few times those nights, and I remember nudging and pushing and pulling until our limbs were entangled enough to make me feel comfortably sleepy.

Anyway I didn’t start this as an ode to “Mino’s Beautiful Sleepface” (although it is beautiful and I really enjoy resting my cheek against yours). Time and bad relationships have made me a little cynical and a little tired, but these little moments of perfection…they make me feel something beautiful and raw and real can still exist between two people and that honesty isn’t always bad.

I enjoy writing this. It is not structured, i don’t really plan on saying anything, I simply put what I’m feeling or thinking down at that moment. These days, a lot of that is good, about you. It’s nice. I want to hold on to this optimism and goodness and a sense of invulnerability that comes with you. The knowledge that if I need help, all I need to do is simply ask and you will try your best (not like picking up a bottle :P).

But that’s where we all fail, na. Not to be negative or anything. We find our comfort zones, and we burrow so deeply into them that all the special-ness and everything we found extraordinary in the beginning becomes routine, nothing that we even notice. I never want that to happen again.

And I really hope that is the kind of love I feel, you know. Not one that burns and is amazing for a while like fireworks. But one where I really get out there and test myself and push my limits, sometimes by myself, make my mistakes and fall and get hurt and finally heal. But by myself. I want you to burrow into and hold close and sleep. I think I have never felt this at ease with anyone before. But I want it to be after I know I’m not so dependent that I cannot function without you..it’s one of my greatest fears. That I will destroy every relationship I have, every good thing in my life by draining it too much.

Ah well. Stupidity. Also time..time heals things and I’m very restless, very good at jumping from situation to situation. But now I will wait, see how my life progresses naturally, work on myself..sto and smell the flowers, I think the expression is. Do you like flowers? What’s your favourite? Mine is the Parijatam we smelled that day.

That walk was one of the most beautiful moments of my year. Thank you for giving me that and so many more. I hope there are many more of those, I hope there are many nights of sleeping in your arms and days of talking about everything under the sun. Of conversation and questions and arguments, even. 

It is just the slightest bit chilly and I’m thinking of romance but there is a PAE to finish. So my feelings for you will have to come back another day :)

I love you so much. And I hope I will for a long, long time to come. There is a certain beauty in it that I had forgotten, and am just beginning to see again. It’s not in the butterflies when you kiss me or in the crazy sneaking in. It is in your presence. It’s good to know you’re here. Actually, good doesn't begin to cover it. It is wonderful, light on the inside, full of joy. It’s indescribable. 

And now I will give you the greatest compliment I am capable of:

I hope you have a beautiful day :)