As the year ends

Let's get some things clear. 

Decisions

This is going to be the last letter I write for a while, I think.

I have decided that I do not want to be this emotional, impulsive and confused in life. 

I still do not think emotions are a bad thing by themselves. But you are right, there is a time for them, if not a place. I didn’t realise how much you really meant “put yourself first” or how much you really live it. I want to be like that. I have always told people I am emotional, been that way but I have never really honoured what I feel, either. Been directionless. No more. 

Still learning how to detach without negative feelings about it. Struggling, actually, really hard. Because the only way to become free of the impacts of experiences that have passed is to stop defining myself that way, right? So I figured out one solution.

I’m going to remove all aspects of my personality that I earlier thought were “core”. Remove, as in, actively try not to make decisions based on those things. For instance, the idea of ‘a loving person’ or a ‘good person’, the idea of ‘loyal’ or ‘faithful’ or ‘kind’. It is not that these things are what I don’t want. I don’t want them to drive decisions anymore. I want to know I can be brutal and ruthless with myself where and when necessary.

I NEED to, I think.

No more weakness. It is all nice to speak (in romanticised terms) about being open-hearted and vulnerable but it has come to the point where those are the only things I understand, where emotions are my only capacity for functioning. It’s fucking stupid.

What I need to overcome:

Fear of rejection

fear of looking stupid

actually being stupid because of irrationality

emotional dependence on someone or the other constantly

hating myself and not doing anything to change it

To withdraw, to be with myself was never this much of a challenge earlier. It is, now. This is my clean slate. Whether it is emotionally, physically or intellectually, I will begin here, with nothing to lose but a whole lot of negativity, self-deprecation and unfounded fear. I now know what I want in life.

I will be centered.

I will no longer be kicked around by emotions which come and go.

I will be fucking strong.

I will put myself first.

I hope I didn’t convey the wrong thing earlier, so here goes. I don’t think you are insensitive. See. In terms of the way you think, or the things you would like to speak about, you are very focused, very purposeful. And that does make a lot of sense - why talk about something that may not really improve anything, make you better, or enhance who you already are? I can totally understand that line of thought.

But when I said attachment, I think I meant a little more than conversations alone. I am the kind of person who is curious about the ‘why’s that you may find irrelevant - why you think the way you think, what leads to it, what are the little thoughts that make you you. So, this situation I was speaking about was about that. A bad day, a moment that may be insignificant to everyone but me, a random happy memory or stray thought - there are things that may seem irrational and non-issues, and your question might be ‘what is the point of sharing’ but the irrationality is the answer in itself - I am having these conversations because I am attached, because the person I am sharing these with means more than others, and maybe a part of being attached is that I want to know your quirks and how you think and those little things - and perhaps I want to share mine with you as well?

I don’t have an answer. Does this make sense, is it even relevant? Is this kind of thinking even meaningful outside of certain experiences that make me define self-worth a certain way? Clueless. 

Goals November-May

Mino,

Hi.

This has been the most miserable

There is a certain beauty to 4 AM. The world isn’t up, there are no noises breaking the silence, it is not dark enough for fatigue but not bright enough for complete rationality either. It is usually that time between sleep and wakefulness where everything is magical and romantic and really, anything seems possible.

I was typing away furiously but paused for a little while, to reflect, to let my thoughts run without censorship for a bit. The memory of your arms around me as the moonlight poured in that night was what stuck with me. You look so peaceful when you’re asleep, one minute you’re awake and the next you’re actually deeply asleep. I think I woke up quite a few times those nights, and I remember nudging and pushing and pulling until our limbs were entangled enough to make me feel comfortably sleepy.

Anyway I didn’t start this as an ode to “Mino’s Beautiful Sleepface” (although it is beautiful and I really enjoy resting my cheek against yours). Time and bad relationships have made me a little cynical and a little tired, but these little moments of perfection…they make me feel something beautiful and raw and real can still exist between two people and that honesty isn’t always bad.

I enjoy writing this. It is not structured, i don’t really plan on saying anything, I simply put what I’m feeling or thinking down at that moment. These days, a lot of that is good, about you. It’s nice. I want to hold on to this optimism and goodness and a sense of invulnerability that comes with you. The knowledge that if I need help, all I need to do is simply ask and you will try your best (not like picking up a bottle :P).

But that’s where we all fail, na. Not to be negative or anything. We find our comfort zones, and we burrow so deeply into them that all the special-ness and everything we found extraordinary in the beginning becomes routine, nothing that we even notice. I never want that to happen again.

And I really hope that is the kind of love I feel, you know. Not one that burns and is amazing for a while like fireworks. But one where I really get out there and test myself and push my limits, sometimes by myself, make my mistakes and fall and get hurt and finally heal. But by myself. I want you to burrow into and hold close and sleep. I think I have never felt this at ease with anyone before. But I want it to be after I know I’m not so dependent that I cannot function without you..it’s one of my greatest fears. That I will destroy every relationship I have, every good thing in my life by draining it too much.

Ah well. Stupidity. Also time..time heals things and I’m very restless, very good at jumping from situation to situation. But now I will wait, see how my life progresses naturally, work on myself..sto and smell the flowers, I think the expression is. Do you like flowers? What’s your favourite? Mine is the Parijatam we smelled that day.

That walk was one of the most beautiful moments of my year. Thank you for giving me that and so many more. I hope there are many more of those, I hope there are many nights of sleeping in your arms and days of talking about everything under the sun. Of conversation and questions and arguments, even. 

It is just the slightest bit chilly and I’m thinking of romance but there is a PAE to finish. So my feelings for you will have to come back another day :)

I love you so much. And I hope I will for a long, long time to come. There is a certain beauty in it that I had forgotten, and am just beginning to see again. It’s not in the butterflies when you kiss me or in the crazy sneaking in. It is in your presence. It’s good to know you’re here. Actually, good doesn't begin to cover it. It is wonderful, light on the inside, full of joy. It’s indescribable. 

And now I will give you the greatest compliment I am capable of:

I hope you have a beautiful day :)

First Step.

Mino :)

This is sort of a test letter. I've lost touch with actually conveying something, communicating what i want to. I guess I can start with why I am the way I am.

 I do not have words to describe that feeling of having been intellectually dormant for the longest time. I've told you this before, I think. Over time, I got really comfortable with a certain kind of thinking, with a certain set of expectations, thinking i needed a certain "set" of conditions to be happy. I unfortunately associated that with my relationship back then, I got dumped, everything went to hell, I had a couple of rebound relationships (G being one of them) and lost my mind. No aim, no dreams, just a broken heart. And a lot of resentment.

I can understand the resentment now. Each time a relationship ends, there is inevitable one person who feels a sense of having been left behind. I fell into the "dormant partner- Indian girlfriend - eventually aiming for domesticity" and god, isn't it such a mediocre life to have?

So yeah. After feeling like a roadblock in someone's life for the longest time, after grief and rage came denial and then finally acceptance. This is my life now, and I would really like to believe that I am more than merely the sum of all the things that have happened until now. I have become sentient :P

I cannot forget that moment when you pulled me close and asked me to put myself first. I felt (and feel) so many things about it, it's great. I'm thinking in a way that I had long forgotten. What do I want, what am I good at, where do I want to be. Do I want money, do I want the satisfaction of a job on the field, how important are the things I simply assumed were important.

I do not want to think about the "whats" of us, though, for sure. It's highly probable that I am YOUR rebound person. I'm not being pessimistic, I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself for any eventuality because I do not want to let emotions be my compass anymore. That doesn't mean they aren't there, though..so...aaaargh.

Anyway the idea behind writing this was that my PAE wasn't coming too well because there was no flow to what I was typing. So this.

All the above disconnected sentences aside,  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a good feeling. I am glad I have you to share it with. Back to work now. I hope you have a lovely morning.

Indu