Decisions

This is going to be the last letter I write for a while, I think.

I have decided that I do not want to be this emotional, impulsive and confused in life. 

I still do not think emotions are a bad thing by themselves. But you are right, there is a time for them, if not a place. I didn’t realise how much you really meant “put yourself first” or how much you really live it. I want to be like that. I have always told people I am emotional, been that way but I have never really honoured what I feel, either. Been directionless. No more. 

Still learning how to detach without negative feelings about it. Struggling, actually, really hard. Because the only way to become free of the impacts of experiences that have passed is to stop defining myself that way, right? So I figured out one solution.

I’m going to remove all aspects of my personality that I earlier thought were “core”. Remove, as in, actively try not to make decisions based on those things. For instance, the idea of ‘a loving person’ or a ‘good person’, the idea of ‘loyal’ or ‘faithful’ or ‘kind’. It is not that these things are what I don’t want. I don’t want them to drive decisions anymore. I want to know I can be brutal and ruthless with myself where and when necessary.

I NEED to, I think.

No more weakness. It is all nice to speak (in romanticised terms) about being open-hearted and vulnerable but it has come to the point where those are the only things I understand, where emotions are my only capacity for functioning. It’s fucking stupid.

What I need to overcome:

Fear of rejection

fear of looking stupid

actually being stupid because of irrationality

emotional dependence on someone or the other constantly

hating myself and not doing anything to change it

To withdraw, to be with myself was never this much of a challenge earlier. It is, now. This is my clean slate. Whether it is emotionally, physically or intellectually, I will begin here, with nothing to lose but a whole lot of negativity, self-deprecation and unfounded fear. I now know what I want in life.

I will be centered.

I will no longer be kicked around by emotions which come and go.

I will be fucking strong.

I will put myself first.