Messy heart of mine.

What do I want?

In the long run?

To do the little things. Kiss good morning. Have breakfast together. Text during the day at work, and look forward to seeing in the evening. Bicker over what to eat for dinner. Read a book as you work, or just lie across your feet and laze around. Finish work myself, just basking in the fact that I have you. Turn the lights off. Tuck you in. Or be tucked in. To have you kiss me, tell me you love me. To hold me close always.

Not because it is appropriate or habit but because you mean all of it. And feel for me what I feel for you.

I want everything, the mundane and the special and the ordinary and the extraordinary. I want to be part of your hopes, your dreams, your achievements, your joys and your sorrows

I want to be half of you.

I want all your days and all your nights, and all of you always. Like I said once.

I want to be indispensable and the love of your life.

Want to have you by my side. To tell you about my days. To be proud of me when I accomplish something. To scold me when I fuck up. To hold me when I'm hurt. To push me when I give up. And do the same for you.

Want you to be my Guinea pig as I experiment with food and be my sounding board for ideas. Want you to tell me if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm being a good person.

Long walks early in the morning and making love at night. Silences that are comfortable. To see the world with you. The sands and skies and colours and creatures. To see your dreams come true. Maybe help some happen.

I want a life where we are each other's anchors, best friends, greatest source of strength, constructive critics, travel buddies, and so much more.

I want commitment with freedom. I want you to be the one person in the world I can close my eyes and trust blindly. I want to marry you. Have kids with you. Fucking grow old with you. I'll probably still bug you anyway.

Have I scared you enough? I think I scared myself enough.

Because I'm not a child anymore. And only children dream of this, right? Adults are sensible and rational and settle for smart companionship.

For some time, with you, I was invincible. After many years I felt like myself again.

I guess it hurt when you said what was the point of saying I love you but it was a good reality check.

These things na. They don't happen. Because relationships like the one I dream of need faith, and all of us, by the time we are adults have been broken enough that we have none left.

So we contract. Marriages and negotiations and ego battles and god knows what else. I don't want that.

Maybe the world itself isn't like that.

So I have to find another way.

Because this is reality, isn't it?

What I want doesn't matter.

Life goes on.

And I shall too.